P.S.

I noticed that facebook had missed about – half of my notes from my blog (the oldest half) when I first started linking my blog into facebook all those years ago. So, after many a duplicate post and much discussion on RSS feeds and Blogger scripting, I've managed to figure out JUST how to import all those old entries – and thus my notes now extend back to 2004, when I spent the time to write… artistically… at least some of the time.

Order of Service

First of all, for those who may have noticed, this is an imported note. I'm giving "blogging from Microsoft Word" another try tonight, and I can't (yet) hook that directly into Facebook. I'm sure this oversight will be corrected in a future revision of both platforms. Thus this is getting put up on my blogger blog – which I haven't posted to in like, a year.

This past Sunday, (June 1^st) I attended the evening service at Little Trinity (my home church). It had been gosh – close to a month of me not attending because of sickness / tiredness (it's far away, and right after a retreat I usually go to bed…)

They've been experimenting with the service order a bit, and I really enjoyed it.

So here's the deal – Little Trinity IS an Anglican Church. The Anglican Church is TYPICALLY fairly liturgical, and thus services tend to follow a prescribed format. There is of course variation from church to church – but none so varied (in my experience) as the evening service at Little Trinity. Now with some reorganization, I think they've struck upon… something that at the very least, is very meaningful for me.

At the very beginning of the service was the reading of the word, followed directly by the sermon. After the sermon we had a time of quiet prayer, and then we went into our time of musical worship – which consisted of I believe a 5-6 song set. We moved from the musical worship to the communion table where we celebrated the Eucharist. And then – announcements, dismissal, and what wound up being a very fun jam at the end on Janzen's tune "reflect" – which ended with the most fun fade out ever – nothing like seeing how long 4 musicians can grow slowly quieter – but I digress.

What really struck out to me in this service order, as a musician, was the way the musical worship took place. There had been a discussion of sorts, I hear, about the possibility of frontloading the service with a song, or something like that – but a comment was made to the order of not wanting worship music to become… mood setting music.

Traditionally, music is scattered throughout a church service. Perhaps the band would start off the service with a 2 song rousing call to worship – then perhaps a mid tempo song to lead us into the readings – a quiet song to prepare us for prayer… maybe something with the mention of Jesus in it during Communion… maybe even a topical song that helps you reflect on the service.

I think what I really enjoyed about this new way of doing things, was that music wasn't… being used constantly to set something up. It wasn't a series of cues to help us get through the service. Instead, given the positioning and the length, it allowed (I think) the congregation to… be responsive to the sermon, to be thankful for what God has done… to humble ourselves – all of these and more. Musical worship was no longer an accompaniment to the order of service – it became an equal part of the service – providing the community the opportunity to come together and express their faith communally, through song. I think that this allows the music itself to be seen in a more tasteful light, because we aren't… choosing songs to fit a structure. We're lucky of course, that Mike Janzen is our worship leader at Little Trinity – he has as a leader demonstrated the kind of flexibility and attention to the spirit that makes a 6 or 7 song set something that can be lead by the congregation, if you give them the room and they take hold of that. Song order changes, even song changes themselves are to be expected – and rightfully so I think – for as much as we may practice and prepare as worship leaders – the Spirit of God should be the one in control, not the humans playing instruments. Not only that, the musical leadership must reflect the needs of the congregation – and as much as one can learn those needs by participating within that community – one must also be prepared for those needs to change from week to week – sometimes unexpectedly.

I've somewhat digressed again – but I think it's important to note that this middle section of music is something that, in this situation is, I feel, a dynamic reflection of the community's response to god, as expressed in song. That dynamism is what I feel has always attracted me to Little Trinity's evening service, and this order I think brings that out to its fullest. We start centered and focused on the true word of God. We then are taught, then discuss and reflect as the spirit leads – then we respond (and more) through song, and then we again focus in on Christ with the Eucharist – which can at an Anglican church be VERY traditional – but at this service, instead allows ample time for congregational prayer – allowing us to share our petitions and our praise as we prepare ourselves to remember what Christ has done for us.

I don't want to overstep and say that this is THE PERFECT service order. It's not going to get me any more saved, and it certainly might have its faults. If one were to be completely disillusioned by music, then the equal attention paid to it in the middle of the service would I am sure, frustrate you – and when I am frustrated, especially with church, I find it VERY difficult to enter into a place where I can be open with God. For me though, as a musician, it means a lot to me to be able to… play music that focuses us on God, instead of playing music to focus us on… what's coming up in 3 minutes, when this song is done. It, to me, makes the music more worshipful.

Anyway, as you can probably tell, I REALLY enjoyed the service. It seems to be for me what I need to connect me with God in a challenging and open way that does not easily let me just… feel comfortable about my situation.

 

I am TRULY glad that there is, at the church I attend, a discussion about how we worship – a thought behind the decisions of change – and the invitation to the congregation to offer feedback…

 

And that's really all I have to say on the subject – at least this late at night. Here's hoping this post feeds itself properly into Facebook…

Wow...

It's probably coincidental - though likely indicitave of something... but whatever.

So... I was reading some of my old creative writing books from school. First of all - umm... wow? My grade 1 book is filled with a whole lot of variety. Grade 4? Holy freaking crap. It's 75% star trek, (and procrastination... holodeck 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000... it goes on for HALF A PAGE... and then BAM! The next page... starts "Computer, send security to 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.... yep! Another half page. HAH! Also - apparently I really liked writing technical documentation, because there's a 4 page beginning of "how to use a macintosh computer" - how to search, how to navigate the control panel... IT HAS, get this... ILLUSTRATIONS! WOW.

Ok. So after I got over THAT bout of "wow I was so... lame"...

I went back to my grade 1 book. Two or three entries in... it's like I was writing this blog.

Now, traditionally I didn't write much. Like, before I had my blog, the closest thing to a journal that I ever kept was my "personal log" which I probably got in grade 5... and like... first 32 pages are ripped out and long gone, and the back 200 pages or whatever... are empty.

So all I really have is this one entry from Grade 1, and it's all like... "why doesn't this girl like me?" etc.

Grade... 1.

1990.

16, 17 years ago.

I just... can't beleive it's been THAT long.


Alright - so I'm fairly sure that there was, at some point, a break in all of this. Grade... 3... or 4... or something... but I can remember the "kevin can't get a girl" jokes back to Grade 7.. gym class...

but even so... grade 7 was what like, 10 years ago? Yeesh...




Anyway...

I saw some good movies today... one particularly good movie... wow... Reign Over Me. Probably the first movie I haven't had any complaints about... in... recent... ever.

OK - I had one complaint, but honestly, the movie handled it SO well - my only complaint is that all the marketing and whatever makes it into totally like a "9/11 tragedy story" which... just seems needless... and kind of... like a gimmick to tie you into the emotions of the movie. However, the movie itself doesn't really... deal with that. I think that it dealt with the whole issue in a way that was an asset to the storytelling... so, it's actually an issue with the marketing company, not the movie. Menzel gives it two thumbs up.

Blogging and the Web

So here's the deal - the internet is an amazing place.

One of the most amazing places on the internet is Facebook.

As in www.facebook.com.

I've pretty much stopped blogging here at BC&I because I tend to blog in facebook now...

So if you want to catch up on the last couple of months... facebook is the place to do it!

Why the holidays suck

In this internet obsessed day and age, there is a lot of social networking that takes place online. Email, instant messaging, social networking sites like myspace and facebook... the level of online interaction is increasingly at an all time high. And then a holiday hits.

So yeah - the deal is, most of my friends are students. And thus whenever a holiday hits, their lifestyle changes drastically. They break their standard routines and try to cram in a whole other lifestyle in the 2 weeks that they have back with their families... in their hometowns... off on student themed conferences... enjoying the lack of responsibility of school...

Now, I don't go to school. Whether I'm working or not is not dependant on the time of year - thus during the holidays, I experience no radical shift in my daily patterns.

So aside from the two mainly student aged groups that I belong to, (The Crew, and Mini-Yo-We), which have one or two gatherings at the most... people like me tend to get left behind in the holiday bustle.

Fine - I'm intraverted. But I did at least attempt to hang out with a few people so far this holiday season... of course all those plans fell through... (typical.)

As I said above, most of my friends are students. Being that most of my friends aren't within a reasonable everyday hanging out distance (and those that are don't want to hang out with me ever)... the way that I hang out with most of my friends, is typically online. MSN largely, though also through facebook or whatever.

Christmas time comes - everybody starts hanging out with their friends again - except that I've spent all this time developing friendships with people over MSN and then they stop using MSN for the holidays in favour of hanging out with their friends... and I suddenly lose 99% of my social network.

So, the holidays suck. They suck becuase EVERYBODY is hanging out in this other world of meeting people face to face... and I don't have that... so I spend almost every day of the holidays... doing absolutely nothing, bored out of my mind.

Bah humbug.

note - the truth of this post is highly subjective.

So I was very angry today

So, today I was very angry, very bitter, and very frustrated.

I'm over it, because I've done all I can do... and I can't do anthing more and I've accepted that.

Critical turning point? Today I had an MSN conversation with allison that managed to calm me down, shift my focus, and basically bring me to a place where I was able to acutally think. One person managed to do this, and I talked to a lot of people.

How is it that she can just... manage to do that? Like - what is it about every conversation I have with her that just... changes my view of things, reorients me to a place where I can keep going... I don't get that from anybody else. I managed to actually unwind today, which I haven't done in forever, and it's all thanks to one conversation which was what it needed to be.

I was very much at the point of considering death as a viable option this morning. Now, how can I?

Anyway, thank you so much. It means absolute tonnes to me.

Tech Frustrations

So who would have known?

I'm capturing tape right now from PRiME and I've been having all manner of issues. Here's the deal though. So, I'm capturing footage right? MiniDV footage SHOULD be fine in any camera. Apparently though... not so much! It seems that footage filmed in ZR700s is slightly incompatible with footage filmed in ZR500s. Wacky!


Also, while I'm being nerdily minded - there's this picture on the ATi website that asks the question "Are You Vista Ready?"

Somebody should sue the pants off of ATi for giving the impression that they are. I have an ATi card. Vista has been out for almost a month now (no, not in stores - hardly the point). Anyway - no support for over half of the features of my card. And - possibly no support in the future. Not in vista. How lame is that?

Seriously guys. Step it up... or... whatever.

You've already lost me as a customer.

nVidia here I come.

So That's The End

So... an interesting day.

My birthday.

It's over now - yeah... it was an OK day I guess.

The day part itself was kind of crappy... lots of feeling kind of dejected. Dinner was fun. After dinner wasn't bad...

It was definitely one of those days that I wish I wasn't me. The kind of day where I wish I could have spent a few hours talking to my girlfriend at the phone... the kind of day where maybe I could have... gone out and played a gig with my band... maybe relaxed in front of the fireplace with a good book at the end of the day...

I dunno.... something.

Obviously, the girlfriend thing is bugging me the most. It always does. A slightly different situation than normal today though. As devout readers will know - I'm often... looking more for someone to care about. Someone to dote on. Today, I'm definitely wishing that I had some of that... support that only some kind of actuall commitment can offer. It's been a rough day, and every so often I feel as though I need a shoulder to cry on.

It's not necessarily about romance per se - though it's not like I don't want romance. It's more about a relationship where there is... some support... some devotion...

It's the kind of thing a good Christian would tell me I can get from God. I guess for me - that's just... rough right now.

I feel like I'm scapegoating when I commit it to words - but I feel as though I would more easily be able to depend on God if I had some example of that in my life. Right now, I kind of feel like I don't. It's not like I don't have fallback options - but especially on an emotional level I wish I had a better fallback than my blog, or MSN.

There are so many needs in this world. I need to eat - thus I need money (and occasionally I need the time to eat - but that is less of a problem starting early next week.) Last year, to accomplish that, I worked at Future Shop. Now, this wasn't a full time job, so it's not like I could have supported myself on it - at least not without serious adjustment in terms of owning a car and going to church in Toronto. But it helped a lot - there weren't so many end months where I kind of just scraped by with a bit less at every meal, trying not to drive much so I could make it to church on Sunday, wondering how I was going to pay my rent. But it ate me up inside. The job itself wasn't horrible, but I didn't have any outlets. Not real outlets. Computers and movies and TV are a break - but they aren't really substantive. They don't deal with the stress, they just delay it. And they certainly don't bring meaning to life.

Church is only sundays, Youth Group is only wednesdays... all of my outlets are so compartmentalized that when I have to miss them to do work on say a camp DVD, I'm left without that ability to deal with everything.

So I post on my blog, or read Digg, or watch podcasts, or talk to people on MSN... but it's not the same. It's not... a hug when I need a hug, or a smile when I need a smile...

It's not enough.



Earlier in my blogging career I wrote a few rather scathing reviews on BarlowGirl - or at least I think I did. If I didn't, I surely meant to. However, I have reconsidered that opinion. There is one song in particular - based on Psalm 73 - it's called "My God's Enough". I wish I could identify with it. I used to be able to, and I can definitely identify with the feelings that would bring about such an exclamation... but in the end...

In so far as things like salvation goes, I suppose I have a belief that God is enough as far as that is concerned. In terms of the... eternal... God is all that matters. I'm not sure however if I can put that into action.

I'm struggling right now with how to do the individual thing. I don't know if I can. I guess I've been struggling for a while. Getting drunk in the house as a cry for help, as an example of not having a good solution; not eating at camp as a sign of my feeling seperated from the community; hurting Kaitlin as a cry for attention of a very negative kind... but still attention; arguing with Kristen over things that I don't care passionately about to put on the appearance of passion...